transformation.

I feel as if I'm walking a bridge =from bullshit TO truth; from superficial TO super; from who "society" expected me to be TO what I will inevitably become; from a land wrought with constant pressure/needless expectation TO my destined vision. It's a transformation of sorts; where my skin begins to fit/the spirit I've been known to fight makes amends.

The obstacle/a constant bump in the road/thorn in my side is dishonesty -whether it be with myself or with those I encounter. I can understand why people do it -whether it’s to protect themselves from danger/labeling/judgement/or whatever the case may be; but if I can do my best to fight for the truth; to eradicate the shellac, then I’m that much closer to my peace/a sense of grace.

In the past -I've been careful/built walls to prevent loved ones/randoms from getting too close -at the same time; the need to be close and be loved has always been at the root. I want so much for people to accept me for where I’m at/what I feel/know and truly desire in this lifetime. For a long time now -I haven’t needed “another”. It worked for me to push through as just me, but now I find myself yearning for a team/people on my side. Slowly, but surely (over the past almost 30 years), I've been defining my A team and thank the good Lord I believe we're coming together. Defense is strong and now is the time to work on offense -make the transformation!

*

Remember that in EVERY moment we are being taken care of...

-ca

now.

The following journal entry is from 12/2009 -it's now 4/2010 and my feeling is that this is a whole new world. Piece by piece/things have fallen into place. I'm focused on the NOW/what I'm capable of and with the overwhelming sense that my mission is to inspire... my job is to never underestimate this power within/respect its force and respond to the energy. Many thanks to those who have been there over the past couple of years/to see me through! My number one support being my mom, without her/the rock -I would NOT be here; she is my angel.

December 5, 2009

The past couple of days have been a little rough for me. It seems that this hamster wheel of who am I and where am I going is still in full force. Yesterday as I was reading various quotes and trying to engage myself/move me back into whatever it is I care about in this life –I thought to myself what crap. I’m so sick of “inspiration” and the cheesiness of you can be whatever you put your mind to. Then this morning as I was watching tv, I thought to myself, “wow –I am living the life of someone who fucked up in high school.” I always hear people say –work hard, do your best, be responsible, etc. and I did all of that. Everything that was ever asked of me –I did it. So if that’s the case, why am I here and why can’t I make something out of “this”. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling this way, then feeling bad/ashamed for the way I’m feeling because honestly -9/10 people in my shoes would not complain nearly as much.

This is what I think/feel…

As I look around my apartment –I’m reminded of failure (AAU portfolio/world map/pile of files and blank canvases); and then there are the memories (USDA stress cow, African hat, and prayer flags/pictures/postcards/journals/letters); and finally death (some of nan’s belongings/dad’s ring/pictures/and their absence). Barbara’s bracelet/ring makes me sad because it’s a clear reminder of the way this life works. We definitely can’t take anything with us and what we leave behind is left for our loved ones or whoever to have.

Maybe it just comes down to the bottom line and that is –I have no clue what I want out of this life. Whatever I’ve been through since 2006 has clearly made a significant impact on my functioning/train of thought –it’s left me feeling insecure/exhausted/selfish/discontent/confused and utterly lost!

*

My heart is true/my love runs deep/my words have meaning. I don't compromise myself for anyone. When the waves hit/I resurface stronger with more compassion and a real sense of what I need/what I want/what I deserve! -sp

way.

This life is interesting -seasons passing/people moving through. Aside from accepting self -to embrace the impermanence concept is a powerful thing. To understand the flow/the all is one/om flow of this world takes consciousness on a daily basis. We can drift in and out, but to be submersed in a superficial/unchanging life -that’s not growth and it’s not what God intended.

At no time do I want to come across as self righteous or so “stuck” in my ways/beliefs. I pray for an open mind/open heart; allowing my life to unfold the way it’s supposed to without too much interference from ego/ignorance... that's the obstacle/the ego! Finding my way will not be possible if I refuse to look back/ignore the rearview mirror and discard the baggage. So the challenge is to keep my eyes on the road/take the twists and turns and continue to believe in the detour.