this.

This is not who I am.

This is not where I am. This is not what I want.

This is who I am.

This is where I am –and THIS is what I want.
-sp

on the horizon.

There is a possibility my family will be involved in a film project focused on mental health in the coming months. Up to this point, the documentaries/material out there have mostly been stereotypical/dramatic/sensationalized. This is an opportunity to break away from that and this is an excerpt from my letter to the production team:

My hope is to convey our story with the focus not necessarily on bipolar rather the overall premise that all of us deal with some type of mental disability at some point in our lives. The only difference between those who need treatment/intervention and those who don't is the level of functioning meaning if one has difficulty living day to day. We all understand that this is a journey replete with detours of all kinds -none of us know where the road will take us and the most fragile resource we have is our mind. I think that the more universal/relevant our "message" is -the more powerful.

With that said, I do believe that one way to desensitize society to the traditional concept of "mentally ill" is through a unique understanding of a family such as mine. As we move forward, I will continue brainstorming ideas from the creative/narrative perspective to highlight my family's experience and how that ties into the overall approach to mental/physical health care. Throughout this process, I welcome any questions/suggestions/comments.

I want you to know that on behalf of my family, we sincerely appreciate your support as it has been a long road! Despite the relative instability and the inconsistency in my own thoughts/feelings/beliefs throughout the years given my nature/intense spirit -deep down I know full well that my steadfast passion is to inspire/empower others walking in similar shoes. I can't walk the path for others nor can I guide them, but I can shine a light and I can offer my support for whatever reality they are living.
*
Please let me know if YOU have any suggestions and stay tuned...

tide turns.

1. never show all of my cards
2. be alert because every wall has its breaking point
3. look for opportunities to find the balance between youth/innocence and wisdom/experience
4. let go of superficial expectation/obligation
5. trust in the path I can't see
6. stay connected to both the eye of the storm and the tornado itself
7. the goal is to inspire
*Lessons learned? or maybe I should say lessons in progress because I'm sure I will have to relearn them time and again down the road.
It's funny -I try to be vague in these entries without focusing too much on the steph-life details. Maybe because I want to remain a mystery and never really be a part of someone's day to day/more like a long-lost aunt just passing through. Who knows how long that transient mindset will last? In some ways, I'm hoping that the steps I'm taking in the coming weeks/months will morph the visiting aunt into a stable/consistent seat at the table. True -I will be out of touch with most people until further notice, but it's a healthy move and I'm hoping that it will propel me forward/beyond this great lakes "stuckness".
Without a doubt, I'm thankful for the blessed life God has given me and the amazing people I've come to know -yet for some reason a force (most especially over the past 3 years) has acted as a repellent. Whether it's me pushing or others pulling -it ultimately leaves me left alone dwelling in a place of "terminal uniqueness" (props to a mentor of mine, Shirley for that term). Ironic I guess because I was raised on an island -I'm familiar with that concept -surrounded by water/protected, yet isolated from what's realistic/necessary for growth. With that said and still somewhat vague -this is me saying surf's most definitely up. I think it's safe to say that at this point I'm used to the crashing waves/turning of the tide. This is not good bye/wish me luck!

*
counting out gold coins.
God gave me life,
the value of every single day
He alone knows.
I have spent my life, breath by breath,
singing my songs,
so consumed by the melody and beat
I forgot the moment of bitter departure.
While I sang my fluid tunes
the seed of my heart dried up,
the caravan passed, the day grew late.
-Rumi

life flows.
As I wade in the waters.
Waiting and anticipating.
The turn of the tide.
It turns.
I wade.
Life flows.
-sp

intense.

Stop.
Dark conquers as memories fade away.
Drop.
The fire burns…
And roll on.
As hope replaces despair and beauty transforms our loss into the light of tomorrow.

into the past.

I was looking at my thoughts from 2006 -in the midst of my experience in San Francisco and found these entries...

3/3/06
Saw you once.
Took an interest in your smile.

3/4/06
Spoke with you twice.
Took an interest in your words.
You felt familiar –even at a distance.
So I took a risk that night and became an open book.
All the while –hoping that you would want to turn the page.

I remember who this was and I remember his influence at the time. As I reflect -I'm reminded of his steadiness/softness/unassuming nature/the disguise he carried. Despite the apparent attraction and that which came thereafter -undoubtedly, up to this point in my life, I've shielded myself from a love so intense it's worth a piece of me and if anyone has walked in my shoes he would know why.

Into the past -something learned/bits and pieces picked up and thrown into my basket/my "survival kit". Along the way -I can only hope to be completely honest with myself and trusting of the "process"/secure within my own skin in the here/the now.

***
Ever unfolding/expanding/adventurous and torturous. But never done.
-Alanis Morissette

flow.

Why do I continue to think that someone/somewhere is going to grab onto my words/look into my direction/absorb whatever it is I’m emanating and say, “OH LOOK! I have your life’s mission in my pocket. There’s no need to worry now –everything you’ve been looking for –that purpose/the sense of belonging and fulfillment –here it is, in my pocket.”?

Probably because I kept looking for that reaction outside of myself/thinking that it would come from a single source -yet in reality (or at least -my reality) I'm bombarded with that purpose from every direction. My challenge is to focus. Take the time to understand the power of community/not in human terms, rather on an infinite/universal level.

*
People create meaning in life with full intention and focus and thereby achieve an ongoing state of satisfaction and sense of fulfillment.
-Erika Borsos

connect.

Keep going; keep growing; set me free.

I wrote this to a friend -someone who challenges me to appreciate what it is I have to offer and wants to understand my concept of "connection"...

It’s good to see you in a great place/ready for the path ahead –taking things as they come. I’m intrigued by the power of music and the way it’s worked for and through you. I can’t put words to that power/that transcendental feeling of complete harmony with whatever is flowing… insanely majestic. You asked me about connection and being alone… I think before I connect with others; I connect with myself and the shit I’ve been through has jolted that connection time and again.

In my mind, those I truly connect with; I can live without –which sounds counter-intuitive/strange, but somewhere inside it makes sense. I have no idea what the future holds. My escape is my search for that future. No one knows where I’ve been –I never compare my experience with that of others. I can empathize/relate in some ways –yet NEVER apples to apples. Many would say that “escaping” is bad and walls are limiting. I am not “many” and for ME –it’s an integral part of the search. I don’t need for people to understand that; just accept it and set me free. Whatever happens –you will be amazing and your energy will resonate! For now –our paths are crossing and for that –I’m thankful!

***
Do not hold me to the past; rather invite me to a better future.
People who are on the earth to most support you in moving forward have subtle ways of holding you back.
Practice the energy you want to receive from others.
Have faith in people –wherever they are going carries infinite potential.
-Marianne Williamson

reality.

To say that I'm working to be a part of the solution versus the problem would be an exaggeration because at this point -I feel like I'm just trying.

My obstacles include unnecessary guilt for having a powerful legacy tripled with massive insecurity and an intensity that inhibits my freedom to reach into my core and pull out my innocence. Truth be told, my innocence/basic nature/inner spirit is fighting with this rigid/uptight outer shell. I’ve become someone I have a hard time hanging out with –so serious, annoyed, bitter, anti-life.

My fairy-like essence would like for nothing more than to frolic in the fields/dive off of cliffs into waterfalls/swim endlessly with dolphins/feel the sand between my toes at every sunrise/ride my horse "smoky" along the shore as the sun sets... and the list goes on.

A reality where a sunrise swim and horseback riding before breakfast; amateur convertible racing and teaching art class for all ages before lunch; working to promote wellness and plant seeds of resilience between noon and 6pm; then back to my high-tech teepee for dinner/cookout with the spirits may alarm some people, but in truth -this carefree lifestyle may be the key to transform my "trying" into sincerely "working" to not only be a part of "the solution", rather to fulfill a higher purpose/discover my happiness.

***
Stop bitching; start a revolution.
-Wulf Zendik

Where ideas become reality.
-asc

revolution.

A major revelation came the other day as I was presenting to Detroit Public Schools. I realized what perpetuates “stigma” is psychiatry itself. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. I should flesh this out more, but my basic mentality is that the field of psychiatry is arbitrary. Unless you actively intervene/interfere with brain circuitry/genetic makeup –you can’t predetermine illness nor can you characterize its manifestation. The DSM is a book of fiction, not fact. I’m utterly amazed day in and day out as to why we have evolved to where we are at right now.

I propose we redefine the field and allow for all of those who currently chug along on this train of thought to live on an island and medicate themselves. Meanwhile, perhaps we can create a community of wellness! Do we need advocacy organizations? I’m the first to advocate for those who can’t fight for themselves, but is it efficient and are we helping?

The way I see it, promoting suicide prevention when there’s such a sincere LACK of understanding/resources/follow through/and commitment to those in the dark is similar to my asking them to water a plant, which desperately needs care. Great! Let’s say they water the plant that one time/save them from the brink that one time. Then what? That person still has to “live” with themselves.

Maybe the most efficient way to do this would be for me to recruit ALL those who either have been “officially” diagnosed with “mental illness” across the spectrum of functionality as well as those who are able to self manage without getting the arbitrary field of psychiatry involved i.e. Ted Turner. I collect those people –convince them that this is more complicated than just a label. I guess it’s good to try to define what’s wrong –but maybe more for the caregiver versus the patient? Then again, it depends on the person. Some people revel in being a “patient”. This could take some thinking… not to mention some serious convincing –especially when it comes to those “advocacy” organizations.

*Warning: this is an extreme point of view/people may be offended. Keep in mind that my opinion is based on extensive personal experience and severe disappointment with what's been understood as the status quo.

resilience.

The struggle to break through.
Finding your faith; a unique mixture of strength, belief, and power.
Embracing the pain; don't fight it.
Surviving adversity one step at a time.

Foundation.

pressure.

Having the overwhelming need to connect; so close yet so far away.
Failing to meet those I can sincerely relate to.
Wondering where my peace is.
Knowing that I push others away with my intensity.
Believing in something so much greater; having a glimpse of that grace, then poof it’s gone.
Loving the essence of this world and all that it can be; yet disappointed by its evolvement.
Creating a wall around me; keeping others at arm’s length.
Mistrusting intention with the belief that most good intentions pave a way to hell.

Tired.

reinvent.

Economy is crashing, companies are failing, families are struggling, wars are raging and people wonder why? One reason could be the lack of accountability and ownership for oneself. Another could be the emphasis placed on money. What are we saying to our kids when our government responds to the economic crisis with “stimulus” money? Or when our defense department has the largest budget, by far over department of health and education combined?

Where are our priorities and do we really know how to problem solve? Answer is –there’s a lack of focus, character, consistency regarding policy and most people take short cuts, grab the band-aid/react to issues versus taking the bull by the horns and using blood, sweat, and tears to discover the actual root/the origin for which a domino effect of catastrophe (similar to what we’re experiencing) comes.

As tough as it is to say given my compassionate nature –failing companies do not deserve a bailout. Short-term, it’s political suicide. Long-term, it makes the most sense. Yes it’s unfair for the little guy to suffer because management was myopic in focus. Yes it sucks when livelihood is lost and people are left to fend for themselves. I argue that we dug this grave ourselves. The industrial revolution pigeon holed people into specific roles –otherwise known as the assembly-line mentality. It’s no wonder today’s layoffs are so devastating!

My question is –why on earth did people think things would stay the same? Should we blame labor unions for their mission to make unrealistic demands and thereby reinforcing the age of entitlement? Why didn’t the unions stand up and fight for their right to alter strategy and I don’t know, maybe look AHEAD into the future when quality of product would ultimately win the customer over?

What’s funny is that those who boasted “buy USA”/rejected outsourcing/protested against foreign-made products are now at the mercy of those “evil” foreigners. The irony is that the “big 3”/American auto industry must rely on the wonders of globalization to make it out of this mess. I don’t know much, but I sense that Toyota had a point when they focused on research and development versus advertising/image -those silly forward-thinking Asians.

Business as usual is over! Reinvent.

american dream.

The ideals of entitlement are extinct. Those who live this life solely for themselves –expecting something from nothing –will soon discover that their time is up. Few people will be able to go under the radar and achieve the type of success that has been “promised” to them.

The term entitlement renders an image of waste. Why? Because those who feel entitled live outside their means/waste resources/depend on credit/do the minimum to “achieve”, then when things falter –the little pointer finger comes out. Blame someone else –the American way.

My thought is that the American dream has been redefined to the point of disgrace. It no longer represents the original dreamers –coming to America with nothing but change in their pockets and more importantly passion in their hearts. The goal wasn’t to own a house with a white picket fence and a snazzy car in the driveway. Far from it –it was to create a better world for both themselves and for generations to come!

Don’t get me wrong, I am intensely proud to be an American/inspired by the legacy of the “dream”! Based on my dad’s journey of vision, I understand the power of opportunity that only this country can offer. Freedom is a gift –a privilege that millions of people in this world will never have the right to have/even imagine. Yet here in America, this “freedom” to create/inspire/empower/love and ultimately serve our fellow woman/man has transformed into a self-centered form of “freedom” –one where Americans use free will/make the choice to base life’s purpose/worth on income/title/status versus contribution to the greater good/work towards a unified goal/something far greater than the “individual”.

shift faced.

We are living in a perfect storm –the winds are changing, energy is shifting –the feeling is palpable. The strongest survive as we face our greatest battle –a fight against ourselves, against the systems we have in place, against the status quo created by man. The age of empowerment is what I like to call this next phase.

endure.

Hold on -two words with the power to save lives.

It’s funny how things work –as long as we hold on, right? To that core; to the truth of who we really are, which can’t be described in words or on surface rather through experience and in depth. It’s the spirit within, which sounds so trite –and I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to explore the pathways leading into that unknown –the spirit within. I feel like I’m starting to understand the oneness/the feeling you get when the forces are flowing from one source, then back again.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I can’t thrive in this dirt, when in reality –this is the only dirt I know. This is all I have. The question is… can I make it more? Is it in my power at all times to enrich the soil or is there something greater –to which I pray; to which I plead? A ray of sunshine or a drop of rain is all it takes to remind me of the “force” or that which pulls me to this earth –the same earth I have been known to curse; to view as a heartless reality/a futile mass. Then what shifts? and why do I hold on until the less is stripped away and the heart endures?

*

Our task is to realize the higher, hidden order of the fractal, to bring out a continuity of consciousness in our very being.

-going fractal

"if you hold on for one more day..."

-wilson phillips

fight.

My most recent thoughts concentrate on product versus process on destination versus journey. As much as I want to forget about the established "order" of society; the constant expectations; achieving success; the list goes on/it keeps coming.
It has been awhile since my mind occupied itself with trains of destructive thought; since I questioned why and for what purpose? When perspective shifts and the people around me transform along with my dreams and what I considered of value... that's when the tracks are laid/when the trains are free to chug along. My general approach is to embrace the "raw", which means let the trains roll; entertain the thoughts; understand what drives them and fight back. Based on the past couple of weeks -it looks like the fight is on.

*
Some mistakes turn into masterpieces. -sp
All that is negative is an illusion. -gypsy in Melbourne, AUS

the seeker.
Delight in the mastery
Of your hands and your feet.
Of your words and your thoughts.

Delight in meditation
And in solitude.
Compose yourself, be happy.
You are a seeker.
-the Buddha