Ink meet skin = my 3rd official attempt to summon my strength via that infamous core. Strength = symbol of infinity/ the "never, ever give up" motto amidst the storm of waves within whilst resembling an angel's wing. NO idea where this need to make a mark originates.
The mark = urge to find something bigger and better and greater and more extreme... to travel beyond boundaries... to dive into unspeakable depths... to love both those who can handle the passion and those who fall short -knowing that every relationship endured forces me to question/evaluate/investigate/dig deeper/to grow!
Without knowing and sometimes while underestimating the other; I learn and I love -at least as much as I can/as much as my heart will allow. Maybe THAT is the purpose = learn to love. Beyond my issues/whatever my upbringing and background/complex biology and genetics/unhealthy attachment/hate and isolation/my attraction to those who self sabotage/the list goes on... but beyond it -the point is learning to love/understanding the unconditional power that lies therein.
Truth = I have a long way to go before that point on "tha' journey" because right here/now -my obstacles come in the form of extreme self doubt/serious rage directed mostly inward, then preventing me from loving those who clearly care. Silence towards positive people/energy and complete avoidance of "healthy" comes easy -it's shutting down and allowing a part of me to drift away -shunning this reality and praying for greener grass. Logically -I do realize that "this" is as golf course green as it gets = the conflict.
The good thing with conflict/opposing views is my ongoing tendency to seek balance/strike a compromise. My obsession with duality (love/hate; good/evil; water/fire; white/black; yin/yang) is a deep root of passion. The handful of kindred spirits/troubled souls I have had the honor to meet/bond with share this unique kernel of conflict. There it is/the "pop" of the kernel = the battle within/storms brewing and waves thrashing. How can I realize the rapturous depth of love without having the capacity to feel the torturous height of hate? My argument -I can't.
Where does that leave me? ...me and my mark of infinite "never, ever give up" strength? ...with no guarantees -that's for sure because as the days pass, I feel myself wavering and at times not so sure about "this"/looking for a way out. I'm not proud of who I am right now -my jaded perspective; the obsessive thoughts of guilt and regret; still grieving for lives lost and opportunities missed; and that insidious demon of self rejection. Life is too short to feel all of this + the sense of overwhelming blah-ness. I know this.
Solution = I guess I'm waiting to grab onto something, but what? and where do I start? I imagine a magical destination: free from corruption and ignorance/greed and commercialism; full of spirit and substance/true love and acceptance. Ah yes, writing in abstract -takes me away from speaking in specifics about my life and the mundane. Seeking balance between the Shakespearean terms and the simplicity of black and white/what do I really mean? I'm hoping that there's someone "out there" who can read between the lines -the spaghetti sticks... no need to explain/you get it and you can throw something back -with equal significance or maybe insignificance.
The more I write; the more I feel as if I am submitting the same entry over and over and over again. Repeating myself; then I think -I'm sure someone at some point in time has written these words/shared this message. One thing remains the same, I continue to throw whatever "fairy dust" God's granted me out into the universe and I wait for something/if anything to return.
*
Yang is the force that drives the waves of the ocean forward.
Yin is the force that draws them back so that they may go forward again.
Yang does; Yin is.
One without the other is neither.
-twin souls
