raw.

i'm sitting in a hotel room -fyi. my favorite room in the world by far. i love the palette of colors and the quaint-ness =wooden floors and stripes and paisleys; the soft lighting; the demure motif (whatever that means); the private stairway leading up to my mouse doorway; and the sheer comfort. i love it. it's not too often i find myself using that word -most especially with things like "rooms", but I do -i love it! i'm not concerned about spelling or edits right now -just writing and being in this moment... of independence/confidence/faith and hope in right now... which will hopefully carry me into tomorrow.

as i ran on the boardwalk near the beach today -the moon to my left and the sunset to my right; i thought to myself how lucky? how lucky am i to run -to have legs and arms and ears to hear this music. just lucky/sheer luck. life lands us in places. i've learned that it takes hard work to get to these places -not just luck, but in my case i feel as if it's more the latter.

on a side note -to those of you who watch Charlie Rose -don't you think he interrupts his guests? nothing worse... well lots of things worse than that, but a really bad thing is when people don't listen to what you're saying or when they anticipate whatever is you will say or when they think about what they want out of the conversation, then cut you off without hearing you out....

end of side note; back to me.
as i was running; i thought about "love of life" and i haphazardly came up with the following:

love life.
love the life you have. love the life you want; the life you think you want; the life you wish you could have. love every facet; every nook and cranny of that life you have -the fullness and the lackness; love it. find a way to love the people; the ups and downs; the every things about it. and if you don't love it now, then learn to love it. love learning and stagnation. love leaping and standing still.
love life.

right here/now... i am in love with my life; in awe as to how things have evolved... despite heartache and utter inadequacy (or at least feeling thereof); i can rest-assuredly say that all is where it's supposed to be/totally in order and the universe is in alignment. that's helpful! it may be short-lived, but it's something to hang my hat on/my manchester united red hat.

wishing you all moments like this =when the stepping stones align; risk is not synonymous with fear; and the vast world OPENS its arms to you versus the close to falling off of its edge sensation. love leaping and standing still. love life.

fyi. 3 years later and i vividly recall that tiny room with the brightest colors you ever did see.

no fear.

The world lost a precious spirit this past week.

Having only been with her on a couple of occasions and not having the honor to know her the way in which her friends, family, and most of all her life partner and love of her life/my best friend/a true angel on this earth knew her... I can still say that she was extraordinary! Her presence was one of strength and confidence and humility. She also conveyed a sense of no fear. My feeling is that she took life as it came and she dealt with whatever cards God played her. Even after a diagnosis of inoperable brain cancer, Chaz faced the fight with no complaints!

I gratefully spent this past new years with Chaz and Corts in onezies and a handful of friends. It was a new years unlike any other -surrounded by profound love and honest friendship! This type of support and the community embracing Chaz and now her spirit as she's no doubt found peace IS a gift.

Hearing about Chazzy and this incredible loss, there's a renewed fire within me. I'm reflecting on my own life in years past when I've allowed fear to take over. As a result, I've been careful to get too close, I've been hesitant when it comes to commitment, and in some ways -reluctant to know my true voice. This "no fear" message resonates and it hits deeper -on the core level. Life is about loss; it's about grief, but it's also about wonder and it's about creating possibilities and it's about the will to make this world work.

Chaz is a hero. She serves as an inspiration as do so many who experience suffering whether it be mental/physical or both. True heroes in my mind are able to transform and overcome that suffering and turn it into a beacon of hope for others. A hero in my heart also knows him/herself and brings an authenticity and an unwavering stance of confidence and compassion to all they meet. True heroes show vulnerability and they're not afraid to step out of perfection.

Stepping out of perfection... and allowing ourselves to be in relationship; to be hurt; to find love, then lose it; to find lust and think it's love, then lose it; to know illness and to embrace it; to live life and offer your gifts; to give yourself a chance to find your "self"/then share it with others; to be a hero regardless of circumstances. That's strength!

I'm also busy reflecting on the word recovery and what it means to have wellness. Most times I wish I had it down to a science and I pray for days where I can be engaged and offer myself and those around me all of me versus just pieces. I think about Buddha and the phrase -life is suffering, but in the face of that suffering -there's life and there are choices.

The fact is... when do we have the chance to really experience recovery? If everyone waited for the point of peace; for that time where perspective doesn't shift and energy maintains, then where would we be? Maybe the answer is all shrouded in fear? That's not how Chaz lived her life and it's not how she approached this diagnosis. She will continue to inspire and offer hope to those who suffer and we will find answers. "Think shrink!" was the mantra and "strength in buddies!" the motivation. Sending prayers and thanks to Chaz' family for sharing her with us and lots of light to her loved ones/all of those she's had the chance to impact.

*

There are 2 driving forces in your life: love and fear.

LOVE is your higher self. It is the place of pure intention and hope. When your higher self drives your life you are on purpose and empowered. Life surges through you; you thrive and society thrives because of it.

Fear is your lower self.

It is the place from where the majority of us exist. When fear drives your life you stagnate. You don't live your true purpose and you become dark and heavy and the world suffers as a result. -Caz Makepeace

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear. -MLK Jr.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. -Mark Twain

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out. -Ben Franklin

stigma.

I personally didn't put a lot of thought into stigma until this past experience with depression. For the most part, I always felt as if it was a word for those who didn't deal with serious mental illness. Naturally people who can't understand the depths of emotional despair and the wrenching heartache of "disconnectedness" automatically distance themselves from those of us who do. In the past, I constantly replaced the word stigma with ignorance. It's understandable given the amount of gray surrounding mental health. When it comes to the brain and behavior it still remains to be known what exactly is in our power to control.

As I said above, I didn't start to really think about this stigma issue until recently. Major barriers for those of us who have mental illness and this depends on the intensity thereof and where we are on the spectrum, but the barriers most definitely come in the form of social interaction and connection. They also show up in the form of motivation and the zest for life. I have found that this most recent episode of depression revealed a deeper understanding and most definitely an unwelcomed one of that infamous word -stigma. For me I no longer think of ignorance, I think of separation... from family/friends/purpose/passion... from life. This chasm creates room for a self-imposed stigma, thinking "I'm different from everyone else. Why are they able to go on with life and I'm not?" This is unfortunate because stigma is compounded –not only from oneself, but also from society.

We seem to think that we can conquer stigma with education, but education alone does not alleviate the urge for people to shun those who are different from themselves. We shun because we are fearful and we fear because that is a part of the human condition. Ironically enough, the human condition also refers to those of us who have been clinically diagnosed with a mental illness. Combatting stigma is acceptance of the full human condition. Tackling this issue requires understanding and acceptance and for the most part -faith!

Regardless of the many fictional mountains I climb; I have faith that EVERY experience is worth it. I believe in the starfish story and I believe that if I can help even just one starfish/just one spirit believe in the power of self/their own self-worth, then none of this will be for naught. Truth is I create my own barriers and I venture to say that this is my personal stigma that I must overcome. God has given me my own unique path and He has provided me with this need to constantly question/self doubt. In many ways, this is a fight and thanks be to God... I am still a fighter.

*

Learn to value yourself; fight for your happiness. -Ayn Rand

Hold on to who YOU are! Question everything else, but never forget where you came from and don't be ashamed. YOU are you're own worst enemy -stopping yourself time and again. -Trevor King

unconditionally.

I've been thinking about the concept of unconditional love -how powerful to know that we are loved just be being. Without a doubt, it's the most important gift you can give not only to others; but to yourself. I don't want to sound like Pollyanna and I am far from authorized to actually preach on this topic -most especially given the recent months/years... but in all honesty -if I could give a piece of advice to anyone right now it would be this; believe in yourself at every turn.

***

If I can teach my daughter one thing, it will be the love of self unconditionally. 'Unconditional love and peace are obtainable, but they are only obtainable if I can learn to move beyond the conditions that I placed on my life. When conditions are placed on my life and on the lives of others, they ensure that I will never experience the depths of love and happiness. -Dr. Asa Brown

Follow the raven into shadow and we will find the light. -unknown

reset.

A note
sans harmony.
A soul
without purpose.
Stuck lacking vision.
Here void of direction.
She sits not knowing gratitude. She prays seeking connection.

Waking up from the matrix.
Looking outside herself.
Alien to the within. She is like a stranger.

Reset.

*
Take it one breath at a time -regardless of rhythm and quality of light. -mm

A ship without a rudder may wander aimlessly among perilous isles yet sink not to the bottom. -Kahlil Gibran

dive.

Whatever spark of gift I possess has been transmitted to her and has kindled a fire in her brain. Jung compared father and daughter to 2 people going 2 the bottom of a river: 1 falling and the other diving.

-Michael Greenberg/Hurry Down Sunshine

*

It's a miracle for me to say that I have experienced both: fallen by circumstance and what felt like force, then found my way back. I now choose to dive; a.mazed by the sheer depth/the power of spirit and my need to constantly challenge the within.

Throughout this journey -I pray for safety/help as I attempt to thrive/access positive energy and respect the flow. Have faith in what this world/lifetime has to offer and entertain the inner tiger -her desire to rebel/fight for something greater.

I seek profound/eternal love -a safe harbor, which essentially comes from my core. Release expectation with good intention; be brave and courageous/honest and compassionate =most of all with myself. The trips my mind has taken/time zones transcended/other worlds penetrated -every path provides me with insight/holds purpose. The routes taken/vacation spots and not so awesome layovers throw obstacles in my way/confront my peace of mind -that elusive oasis in the desert. Always a search.

As much as I doubt myself and judge me for mistakes made/opportunities lost -deep down I know that I just have to keep going. This solace is not in the every day -perhaps it's fleeting like lightning bugs/shooting stars, but having faith in that glimpse of beauty/the flash of grace -THAT is what I live for. Holding on as I dive into the depths and hold myself back from the falling edge.

intuition.

Your intuition is on fire!
Ask for guidance often because you have a direct channel to the wisdom of your soul right now.
Analyze your dreams for insights and creative ideas.
Enjoy your playful side.
You might begin a new hobby/spend more time with kids OR start a new romance.
When you surrender to your higher self, life gets streamlined =more time for fun!
-Taurus June 2010 horoscope thanks to Aluna Michaels http://www.alunamichaels.com/site/alunamic/

My intuition IS most definitely on fire and my constant prayer for guidance is already a go -good thing my channel is direct and efficient/saves me from a great deal of unnecessary pain. *This type of struggle is frequently associated with unhealthy connection and fabricated intrigue aka. ancient patterns and blasts from the past.
Deep introspection/insight and creative innovation/out of the box thinking always a part of the routine day to day.
Enjoying the playfulness/my innocence -that's a check.
As for these options: new hobby/more time with kids OR a romance. I choose all of the above.
And finally -to truly surrender and streamline life is a work in process with the ultimate goal being my summer 2010 theme =fun.

Sincere gratitude to the many who have landed on my path -peacelove and light.