love.

A mystery not easily defined.
Intense passion/misdirected vulnerability teaching me more about myself and my insecurities.
Mass confusion added to a pile of doubt.
Fighting to stand my ground and realize my potential amidst overwhelming emotion.
Yearning to understand this power -harness the energy and transform it into something magical.
Maybe the key is to let go -let the pieces fall into place?
Relinquish control and place my trust in God/the order of the Universe.
To love with reckless abandon.
To live free from judgment -most especially from my infamous little voice within.
Learn to accept my strong spirit and respect its nature.
Loving myself/for where I'm at and the path I've taken is a work in progress.
Loving another/for where he's at and the path he's chosen seems easier.

There's nothing easy about this love concept/no right or wrong. Each of us manages to navigate our way through -twisting and turning.

In truth, my journey thus far hasn't thrown me into a burning fire of passion/all-consuming blindness. I do have a pretty good taste of it/a sneak peek into what it could be and my first reaction is fear. My life has already seen a loss of control -my mind ventured into alternate realities/separating me from my body and the world I knew in addition to other challenges. So yes anything that takes me away from myself prompts fear.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism? It could be healthy, then again -it's prevented me from healthy relationships. My pattern is to push people away -for them not to depend on me/view me as someone who comes and goes/leaves an impact, then I'm gone. Sounds sad, yet I felt like this was the easy approach.

Now back to the twists and turns: getting to a point of self acceptance; having a healthy view of myself =big twist/still twisting like a pretzel. Now for the turn =there's no time like the present! With patience, sincere attempt at understanding, and most importantly a strong foundation in trust -I know things will work out/fall into place. Bottom line -I am always here for those I love. Behind every cloud, the sun shines... even when you can't see me, I'm shining/just waiting to break through.

***
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
-unknown

this.

This is not who I am.

This is not where I am. This is not what I want.

This is who I am.

This is where I am –and THIS is what I want.
-sp

on the horizon.

There is a possibility my family will be involved in a film project focused on mental health in the coming months. Up to this point, the documentaries/material out there have mostly been stereotypical/dramatic/sensationalized. This is an opportunity to break away from that and this is an excerpt from my letter to the production team:

My hope is to convey our story with the focus not necessarily on bipolar rather the overall premise that all of us deal with some type of mental disability at some point in our lives. The only difference between those who need treatment/intervention and those who don't is the level of functioning meaning if one has difficulty living day to day. We all understand that this is a journey replete with detours of all kinds -none of us know where the road will take us and the most fragile resource we have is our mind. I think that the more universal/relevant our "message" is -the more powerful.

With that said, I do believe that one way to desensitize society to the traditional concept of "mentally ill" is through a unique understanding of a family such as mine. As we move forward, I will continue brainstorming ideas from the creative/narrative perspective to highlight my family's experience and how that ties into the overall approach to mental/physical health care. Throughout this process, I welcome any questions/suggestions/comments.

I want you to know that on behalf of my family, we sincerely appreciate your support as it has been a long road! Despite the relative instability and the inconsistency in my own thoughts/feelings/beliefs throughout the years given my nature/intense spirit -deep down I know full well that my steadfast passion is to inspire/empower others walking in similar shoes. I can't walk the path for others nor can I guide them, but I can shine a light and I can offer my support for whatever reality they are living.
*
Please let me know if YOU have any suggestions and stay tuned...

tide turns.

1. never show all of my cards
2. be alert because every wall has its breaking point
3. look for opportunities to find the balance between youth/innocence and wisdom/experience
4. let go of superficial expectation/obligation
5. trust in the path I can't see
6. stay connected to both the eye of the storm and the tornado itself
7. the goal is to inspire
*Lessons learned? or maybe I should say lessons in progress because I'm sure I will have to relearn them time and again down the road.
It's funny -I try to be vague in these entries without focusing too much on the steph-life details. Maybe because I want to remain a mystery and never really be a part of someone's day to day/more like a long-lost aunt just passing through. Who knows how long that transient mindset will last? In some ways, I'm hoping that the steps I'm taking in the coming weeks/months will morph the visiting aunt into a stable/consistent seat at the table. True -I will be out of touch with most people until further notice, but it's a healthy move and I'm hoping that it will propel me forward/beyond this great lakes "stuckness".
Without a doubt, I'm thankful for the blessed life God has given me and the amazing people I've come to know -yet for some reason a force (most especially over the past 3 years) has acted as a repellent. Whether it's me pushing or others pulling -it ultimately leaves me left alone dwelling in a place of "terminal uniqueness" (props to a mentor of mine, Shirley for that term). Ironic I guess because I was raised on an island -I'm familiar with that concept -surrounded by water/protected, yet isolated from what's realistic/necessary for growth. With that said and still somewhat vague -this is me saying surf's most definitely up. I think it's safe to say that at this point I'm used to the crashing waves/turning of the tide. This is not good bye/wish me luck!

*
counting out gold coins.
God gave me life,
the value of every single day
He alone knows.
I have spent my life, breath by breath,
singing my songs,
so consumed by the melody and beat
I forgot the moment of bitter departure.
While I sang my fluid tunes
the seed of my heart dried up,
the caravan passed, the day grew late.
-Rumi

life flows.
As I wade in the waters.
Waiting and anticipating.
The turn of the tide.
It turns.
I wade.
Life flows.
-sp

intense.

Stop.
Dark conquers as memories fade away.
Drop.
The fire burns…
And roll on.
As hope replaces despair and beauty transforms our loss into the light of tomorrow.

into the past.

I was looking at my thoughts from 2006 -in the midst of my experience in San Francisco and found these entries...

3/3/06
Saw you once.
Took an interest in your smile.

3/4/06
Spoke with you twice.
Took an interest in your words.
You felt familiar –even at a distance.
So I took a risk that night and became an open book.
All the while –hoping that you would want to turn the page.

I remember who this was and I remember his influence at the time. As I reflect -I'm reminded of his steadiness/softness/unassuming nature/the disguise he carried. Despite the apparent attraction and that which came thereafter -undoubtedly, up to this point in my life, I've shielded myself from a love so intense it's worth a piece of me and if anyone has walked in my shoes he would know why.

Into the past -something learned/bits and pieces picked up and thrown into my basket/my "survival kit". Along the way -I can only hope to be completely honest with myself and trusting of the "process"/secure within my own skin in the here/the now.

***
Ever unfolding/expanding/adventurous and torturous. But never done.
-Alanis Morissette

flow.

Why do I continue to think that someone/somewhere is going to grab onto my words/look into my direction/absorb whatever it is I’m emanating and say, “OH LOOK! I have your life’s mission in my pocket. There’s no need to worry now –everything you’ve been looking for –that purpose/the sense of belonging and fulfillment –here it is, in my pocket.”?

Probably because I kept looking for that reaction outside of myself/thinking that it would come from a single source -yet in reality (or at least -my reality) I'm bombarded with that purpose from every direction. My challenge is to focus. Take the time to understand the power of community/not in human terms, rather on an infinite/universal level.

*
People create meaning in life with full intention and focus and thereby achieve an ongoing state of satisfaction and sense of fulfillment.
-Erika Borsos