vision.

Cassandra -the girl with a vision foreseeing the fall of the Trojans.

Fast forward to modern times -you'd have to be blind not to see what's happening in our world. I want to simplify: strip down and start over. Why are we here? Why did God plant us in this time; in this place; with these people -with so much suffering and destruction/complication and mayhem? Few people understand my psyche -the frustration within. A resurgent feeling of emptiness/worthlessness/confusion/depletion. I WANT struggle in my life. I want to work hard and fight for something great. I want to stop running and put a halt to distraction/drama.

Imagine a place -free from corruption and ignorance/greed and commercialism; a world FULL of spirit and substance/freedom! Where do I feel free? racing down the lone highway; rolling in the tumultuous waves; riding without inhibition on the back of a horse; with 5 year olds and their innocence; in the presence of strong spirit and unconditional love. That is where I am at right now -close my eyes and I can channel my place of peace. Truth is -my dad is with me; more now than ever before. He IS my vision/eternal flame and I can only thank God/the divine for this flow/this evolution.

*

The fire inside -spark is always on while the flame ebbs and flows; like the tide.

-inspired by Bob Seger and tw

Cassandra of Troy is a figure both of the epic tradition/tragedy, where her combination of deep understanding and powerlessness exemplify the tragic condition of humankind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra

link.

The strongest form of communication is visual -the universal language, through which one can convey a deep emotion, express a profound thought and/or influence an aimless stranger. My history as an artist stems from my strong passion to freely communicate and connect.

As an artist; I am a link.

Making connections is my method of learning. Forming relationships inspires me to create. Opening my eyes and searching for the ties that bond compels me to embrace diversity and relate on an organic level. My objective is to build on yesterday so that I don't have to start from scratch tomorrow. Moving forward is impossible without looking back. When I reflect on where I have been; I realize that every experience and each person has contributed to who I am today.

I have gathered these "pieces" and put them in my pocket. A good portion were passed on by family.
OPA -admired for his strategic prudence and his incredible artistic abilities;
OMA -inherited her wicked determination and a stubborn streak;
NAN -thanking her for the discipline and her positive "I am woman hear me roar!" influence;
twin brother PAUL -most genuine person I know;
MOM -astounded by her faith and the resilient way in which she overcomes life's challenges;
DAD -intense passion/grand dreams/a powerful spirit with me always.

What will I do with my 30 years of "pieces"? Build the puzzle/spin the web -I will continue to collect/strive to find a relationship between cultures, religions, societies, behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives. I want to study various theories, speak with numerous artists/designers/writers, and discover a way to achieve my lifelong goal, which is to make a visible difference in the way society views mental health. My passion stems from personal experience -losing my dad to suicide and dealing with my own struggles -whether it's related to the infamous BP1 label or not/this lifetime is what it is. My challenges are not unique -the way I choose to confront them/tackle them face first... THAT is.

These "pieces" serve as my inspiration, allowing me to be an artist; a link.

*
My family is my core/I am their promise.
A true legacy lies not in what we leave behind, rather who. Knowing that I am my family's voice is a powerful concept to grasp. Every life lived has strengthened and continues to impact my foundation. -sp

transformation.

I feel as if I'm walking a bridge =from bullshit TO truth; from superficial TO super; from who "society" expected me to be TO what I will inevitably become; from a land wrought with constant pressure/needless expectation TO my destined vision. It's a transformation of sorts; where my skin begins to fit/the spirit I've been known to fight makes amends.

The obstacle/a constant bump in the road/thorn in my side is dishonesty -whether it be with myself or with those I encounter. I can understand why people do it -whether it’s to protect themselves from danger/labeling/judgement/or whatever the case may be; but if I can do my best to fight for the truth; to eradicate the shellac, then I’m that much closer to my peace/a sense of grace.

In the past -I've been careful/built walls to prevent loved ones/randoms from getting too close -at the same time; the need to be close and be loved has always been at the root. I want so much for people to accept me for where I’m at/what I feel/know and truly desire in this lifetime. For a long time now -I haven’t needed “another”. It worked for me to push through as just me, but now I find myself yearning for a team/people on my side. Slowly, but surely (over the past almost 30 years), I've been defining my A team and thank the good Lord I believe we're coming together. Defense is strong and now is the time to work on offense -make the transformation!

*

Remember that in EVERY moment we are being taken care of...

-ca

now.

The following journal entry is from 12/2009 -it's now 4/2010 and my feeling is that this is a whole new world. Piece by piece/things have fallen into place. I'm focused on the NOW/what I'm capable of and with the overwhelming sense that my mission is to inspire... my job is to never underestimate this power within/respect its force and respond to the energy. Many thanks to those who have been there over the past couple of years/to see me through! My number one support being my mom, without her/the rock -I would NOT be here; she is my angel.

December 5, 2009

The past couple of days have been a little rough for me. It seems that this hamster wheel of who am I and where am I going is still in full force. Yesterday as I was reading various quotes and trying to engage myself/move me back into whatever it is I care about in this life –I thought to myself what crap. I’m so sick of “inspiration” and the cheesiness of you can be whatever you put your mind to. Then this morning as I was watching tv, I thought to myself, “wow –I am living the life of someone who fucked up in high school.” I always hear people say –work hard, do your best, be responsible, etc. and I did all of that. Everything that was ever asked of me –I did it. So if that’s the case, why am I here and why can’t I make something out of “this”. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling this way, then feeling bad/ashamed for the way I’m feeling because honestly -9/10 people in my shoes would not complain nearly as much.

This is what I think/feel…

As I look around my apartment –I’m reminded of failure (AAU portfolio/world map/pile of files and blank canvases); and then there are the memories (USDA stress cow, African hat, and prayer flags/pictures/postcards/journals/letters); and finally death (some of nan’s belongings/dad’s ring/pictures/and their absence). Barbara’s bracelet/ring makes me sad because it’s a clear reminder of the way this life works. We definitely can’t take anything with us and what we leave behind is left for our loved ones or whoever to have.

Maybe it just comes down to the bottom line and that is –I have no clue what I want out of this life. Whatever I’ve been through since 2006 has clearly made a significant impact on my functioning/train of thought –it’s left me feeling insecure/exhausted/selfish/discontent/confused and utterly lost!

*

My heart is true/my love runs deep/my words have meaning. I don't compromise myself for anyone. When the waves hit/I resurface stronger with more compassion and a real sense of what I need/what I want/what I deserve! -sp

way.

This life is interesting -seasons passing/people moving through. Aside from accepting self -to embrace the impermanence concept is a powerful thing. To understand the flow/the all is one/om flow of this world takes consciousness on a daily basis. We can drift in and out, but to be submersed in a superficial/unchanging life -that’s not growth and it’s not what God intended.

At no time do I want to come across as self righteous or so “stuck” in my ways/beliefs. I pray for an open mind/open heart; allowing my life to unfold the way it’s supposed to without too much interference from ego/ignorance... that's the obstacle/the ego! Finding my way will not be possible if I refuse to look back/ignore the rearview mirror and discard the baggage. So the challenge is to keep my eyes on the road/take the twists and turns and continue to believe in the detour.

inkfinity.

Ink meet skin = my 3rd official attempt to summon my strength via that infamous core. Strength = symbol of infinity/ the "never, ever give up" motto amidst the storm of waves within whilst resembling an angel's wing. NO idea where this need to make a mark originates.

The mark = urge to find something bigger and better and greater and more extreme... to travel beyond boundaries... to dive into unspeakable depths... to love both those who can handle the passion and those who fall short -knowing that every relationship endured forces me to question/evaluate/investigate/dig deeper/to grow!

Without knowing and sometimes while underestimating the other; I learn and I love -at least as much as I can/as much as my heart will allow. Maybe THAT is the purpose = learn to love. Beyond my issues/whatever my upbringing and background/complex biology and genetics/unhealthy attachment/hate and isolation/my attraction to those who self sabotage/the list goes on... but beyond it -the point is learning to love/understanding the unconditional power that lies therein.

Truth = I have a long way to go before that point on "tha' journey" because right here/now -my obstacles come in the form of extreme self doubt/serious rage directed mostly inward, then preventing me from loving those who clearly care. Silence towards positive people/energy and complete avoidance of "healthy" comes easy -it's shutting down and allowing a part of me to drift away -shunning this reality and praying for greener grass. Logically -I do realize that "this" is as golf course green as it gets = the conflict.

The good thing with conflict/opposing views is my ongoing tendency to seek balance/strike a compromise. My obsession with duality (love/hate; good/evil; water/fire; white/black; yin/yang) is a deep root of passion. The handful of kindred spirits/troubled souls I have had the honor to meet/bond with share this unique kernel of conflict. There it is/the "pop" of the kernel = the battle within/storms brewing and waves thrashing. How can I realize the rapturous depth of love without having the capacity to feel the torturous height of hate? My argument -I can't.

Where does that leave me? ...me and my mark of infinite "never, ever give up" strength? ...with no guarantees -that's for sure because as the days pass, I feel myself wavering and at times not so sure about "this"/looking for a way out. I'm not proud of who I am right now -my jaded perspective; the obsessive thoughts of guilt and regret; still grieving for lives lost and opportunities missed; and that insidious demon of self rejection. Life is too short to feel all of this + the sense of overwhelming blah-ness. I know this.

Solution = I guess I'm waiting to grab onto something, but what? and where do I start? I imagine a magical destination: free from corruption and ignorance/greed and commercialism; full of spirit and substance/true love and acceptance. Ah yes, writing in abstract -takes me away from speaking in specifics about my life and the mundane. Seeking balance between the Shakespearean terms and the simplicity of black and white/what do I really mean? I'm hoping that there's someone "out there" who can read between the lines -the spaghetti sticks... no need to explain/you get it and you can throw something back -with equal significance or maybe insignificance.

The more I write; the more I feel as if I am submitting the same entry over and over and over again. Repeating myself; then I think -I'm sure someone at some point in time has written these words/shared this message. One thing remains the same, I continue to throw whatever "fairy dust" God's granted me out into the universe and I wait for something/if anything to return.

*

Yang is the force that drives the waves of the ocean forward.

Yin is the force that draws them back so that they may go forward again.

Yang does; Yin is.

One without the other is neither.

-twin souls

my time.

When is my "time"? I mostly ask this question when I find myself trying/under pressure/constantly fighting imaginary forces. Can I control my effort/the high expectations/this intense energy that often consumes me? If that were the case, then my "time" would come along on a frequent basis. Then again -would my life journey be as multi-faceted/adventurous/rewarding/extreme? When I talk about my "time" -I'm not speaking of happiness, which is fleeting/comes and goes; rather a calming hush/peace that runs through me/the confidence in knowing that I am where God wants me to be.

The past couple of years and definitely most recently -I have been praying for this "time" to roll in and honest to God, I do feel like there is a clearing up ahead. I'm counting on it! Aside from a sincere faith to help me through... I look at life as the tide/waves rolling, unpredictable –the only constant IS the change. The real question is: how do I find my footing/a buoy/eventually the lighthouse? It has to be in my core –deep down inside I have to still hear the inner voice. The one that knows right from wrong/yearns to understand unconditional love/strives to feel compassion/fights for my "time". That voice is my saving grace, but she is only strong if I listen. The more I allow negative energy/hate/torment/blame/anger/rage/disappointment to fill my soul -the less likely my voice will stay present. So that's where I'm at right now: reconnecting with who I am/ready for healing/forgiveness/acceptance for what is and preparing myself for my "time" to come.

*

God grant me the

SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change:

COURAGE to change the things I can; and the

WISDOM to know the difference.

Living 1 day at a time;

Enjoying 1 moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.